I just want to get this off my chest. I'm in a bit of a depressive mood right now and been under a lot of guilt, a lot I put on myself. You guys are awesome, it's kind of been the topic I've been bringing up a lot lately cause it's true. Everyone who reads this and who I put below are awesome people, and people I've hurt, or backstabbed or just have not been a nice person too.
I want to be awesome like the rest of you, and for me to do that, I have to respect you all and treat you all better. It's another apology and I've just been feeling very alone. the only thing I regret is letting my jealousy of you all get the better of me and my pride for not acknowledging my problems.
Would you all be happier if I was never born?
I'm jealous of everyone, I spent more then half a decade hating Matsu-Sensei cause he was everything I wanted to be. A good artist, drawing fan-art for things he enjoys, having likable characters and having a very broad audience. I was so jealous that I attacked him every chance I could.
I'm jealous of Eika and Cake because they were so well accepted. Everyone was drawing their characters, making journals to promote them. People who I look up too were promoting them and doing trades. I'm very jealous of them both for how quickly they also grown as artists.
I have said to everyone that I don't like drawing, but that's a big lie. I love drawing, but I wanted to be different. I wanted to be the odd ball and I would do anything to hate what most artists liked. Tutorials, practice, drawing, improving, techniques, programs. It was very bad that I started hating people for liking something I disliked. I love drawing, but I'm to prideful to admit I look up to certain people and I love their work. I had it installed in my brain that I would rather be hated for something I'm not then hated for something I am. It changed to the idea that I'd rather be hated then pity'd.
I can't win everyone back, even before my incident people already didn't like me. I have to respect and acknowledge that I hurt a lot of you, some on purpose, some by accident. Some of you never want to do anything with me ever again, and some of you are just purely tolerating me. If there is any a hint of a chance that I can win you all back, experiance the art community here in a better light and have some fun again, I will do everything in my power to do so.